all your education daddy, it didn't pay

it's terrible, isn't it- to reject all that we come from, to ignore it when we are pleased, to disparage it when we are bitter. i just want to live, but i can't while this shadow follows me, this shadow exists and i know i know it has watched me my whole life, from birth to now. and i know clearly by its very existence:

i am not free. and will never, can never be.

wanting to break free. run away. a whole new city. a whole new set of people to disappoint. i know it already, i feel it deep inside me. as relentless as the drive to push my body against an-others. it's all so disappointing. that all we can do is fuck and die. nothing else we could ever do will make any tremor in the vast and vicious landscape of life.

all there are, are corpses. mine and yours and so many others before and after and now. and you don't look down if you hope to make it. you just keep going. but it hurts. it hurts so much. so much that i don't want to make it almost all the time. because does surviving make me so much better than others who i step over, whose bodies i smell on my fingers and under my boots.

i don't want to feel.

why can't i leaden my blood and carry on with my life. like the bodies lining the streets, going about their daily mutterings and ablutions. why does my mind plague me so. (ref: sarah kane)

do you like my body? i hope you like my body, even if i don't. because then it would make me better, more deserving. more. solid.

(my brain is a stupid, stupid thing.) yet this is a gift, isn't it? living. breathing. well i'd like to return it for something i actually want. god-